Thoughts, Reflections & Revelations

What is “true love”? We speak of it lightly, but think of it often. We want it, perhaps because it is out of our grasp. We fall hard and fast into feelings mistaken for love, hoping that someone, somewhere, will love us for who we are. But is that true love?

True sacrifice is at a cost to yourself. True selflessness is a benefit for others. A true gift is given, merely to bring happiness to someone else. True happiness is found in a friend. And True friendship is hard to find, but lasts for a lifetime.
Love is all of these combined.

But I’ve heard it said that true love is not just a feeling. It is an action, and a choice. You have to choose to love someone; you don’t just fall. I agree with these things, but still, I get the nagging feeling that there has to be something more. That maybe true love is more. Maybe true love is not how you feel when you are with someone, but rather, who they cause you to become…
Your True Self.

Okay, so I’ve been thinking a lot about Jeremiah 29:11 lately. I’ve noticed that a lot of people tend to quote this scripture a lot. Having it made into a tattoo, or post it on facebook, or made into pictures that you frame in your home. By now, I have memorized it; between growing up in a Christian home and a Christian private school, and all of those Jeremiah 29:11 Facebook posts. Well, today I decided to look at it in full context. I knew what it was about, but I didn’t have details; plus it’s always nice to have a refresher. I read the whole chapter ( because the earlier chapters were pretty much just about Jeremiah’s bio, some false prophets, and King Nebuchadnezzar). 29 opens up with background about Israel and the Babylonian Exile which is where this scripture applies.

I don’t want to make this a super long essay, so here’s the gist of the introduction: This chapter was a letter from the prophet Jeremiah to the people of Israel. Nebuchadnezzar was in rule of Babylon at the time, which took control of Israel’s territory, putting them into exile. God spoke through Jeremiah’s letter, directing Israel to go about as they normally do, multiplying and taking care of their host city as if it was their own Jerusalem. Also saying that they should be wary of false prophets. He then goes on from verses 10 and on, encouraging them that once their 70 years of Babylonian Exile are over, God has plans for them.

 “For thus says the Lord: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare^[b] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

God is basically saying to his people, “Don’t worry, I have plans beyond what you are able to see.” And that is a great message. But honestly, I feel like this scripture has almost become a Christian cliche. Mostly, because it seems to have a more personal message these days rather than a wholistic one.

When I read this, I thought of it in exacly the context it was in; God promised that there was purpose for Israel beyond what was happening in that moment. And since the new covenant of Jesus’ blood, this can also be applied to the New Testament Church as a whole. But these days, when I see people post it on Facebook, it’s more about themselves than the wholistic Body of Christ. It’s more like:  “God has plans just for ME. God thinks that I am so special! Me, Me, Me, Blah Blah, blah Thank you God, for blessing ME AND ONLY ME :))))” <— (Total exaggeration, but you get the point).
Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that God has plans for us individually on a certain level, and Christ redeems us individually. All of us feel as if we have some sort of purpose in life, as we should. But down deep, all people are also more than capable of selfishness (among other things) because of our sin nature. We can sometimes be like the egocentric middle child who craves sole attention of the parent apart from their siblings (that’s the Psych major side of me talking), ultimately, selfish and self-absorbed. And we are all God’s children, but there is a difference, because we are actually old enough to know better!

My main point is, one should expand one’s view when reading this. When asked about the greatest commandment by the Pharisees, Jesus says in Matthew 2:34-40 the greatest commandment is the love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. These are almost used synonomously. Jesus was above all relational; He taught us to think of others in everything we do. Therefore, shouldn’t we think of others as a whole in the body of the church? God has a purpose and a plan beyond our nation’s economic struggles, beyond our earthly powers, and beyond our wars, just as He did for Israel. But this requires us to make the first move individually, and reach out to our Father in these times, with our spiritual “siblings” by our sides.

Honestly, I found more comfort in verses 13-14 of Jeremiah 29, for the redemptive qualities that it holds. Israel’s constant battle with exile from domineering kingdoms made all seem hopeless, especially with the Babylonian Exile which lasted for over 70 years. But God always makes good on his promises. He promised that he would return them to the land of their ancestors, and He did. As said earlier, this can also be reflective of the church to put this in modern terms. Eventually, Jesus will come back for His bride rescuing us from captivity on Earth, and bring us into His kingdom where we belong. In other words… IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. Take some the time to think about God’s plan beyond yourself, in terms of what God can do for our nation, and the church, and pray about God’s plan for us as the united body of Christ :)

“No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it.” -Corinthians 10:13
I went through a lot this summer, I felt that I really was being tested. So I’ve been thinking about this scripture a lot in the last few days. But because of my experiences, I’ve started to realize that I see this scripture a little bit differently than most people.
Paul wasn’t promising the Corinthian church that God won’t give you more than you can handle. He was communicating to them that you aren’t going through anything that no one hasn’t already gone through, and you can handle more than you think you can when you have God on your side. He’s challenging them to trust God when things get tough in life;that is the true test of faith. Honestly, that was a challenge for me this summer. It’s hard to put my life fully in God’s hands instead of trying to handle everything myself. But someone very wise once told me “You can do hard things,” and it’s true. And it is a hard thing in itself to trust God over myself, but I am so much stronger when I’m trusting in my Creator as I go through them. Just remember, you can handle so much more than you think you can when you have a God who can handle anything.

I was talking about poetry with a friend of mine the other day, and it reminded me of my favorite poem. The application of this peice of poetry doesn’t just apply to life in general, but I believe it applies to our lives as Christians.  

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost

Matthew 7:13-14 talks about the narrow and wide gates, in reference to how we live our lives in Christ. “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and MANY enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads life, and only FEW find it.” In other words, it’s true that the way of the world is easiest path, but it is also the most crippling in the end. Living Christlike life however, is the harder choice. But it’s rewards in the end are endless.  Just like Frost’s “The Road Not Taken”, the one that is less taken is most likely the hardest to go through, but in the end it makes all the difference.  Maybe this is something you are struggling with now. Perhaps as you’re reading this, you’re thinking of a situation in your life right now in which you have to make a hard decision. I encourage you to approach every decision with prayer. What you choose may not be the most popular choice, but knowing that you made that choice with God’s help makes it so much easier to stand by it. Choose the road not taken. Decide to live by God’s standards. Because even if it’s the harder choice, it’s worth it in the end.

Because of things I’ve been through in the past, I’ve developed this habit of hiding my emotions, for fear that they may be used against me. So much so, that I can hide them even from myself. Like many people, I have very deep emotions that often times are apparent to others but not to me.

I’ve always been the kind of person that would deny anything remotely having to do with spiritual attacks, because I don’t want to be the type that will blame the supernatural, and not take responsibility for my own actions. In a way, this (along with other things) caused me to suffer from low self-esteem. But now, I am part of a new church that is still taking off, and all of us have been through something. All of us have have been attacked in some way (including me), and it’s only been a month. This time however, was much worse. I was unknowlingly going through a sort of spiritual depression.

This kind of thing is something that not only I’ve had, but something that has most likely been passed down through the generations of women in my family. I know for a fact that my mom, my grandmother and great-grandmother, have all had to deal with Depression. I’ve been dealing with this longer than I thought. But I didn’t want to admit it. I’ve run into circumstances in the past that characterized this, but I thought they were only temporary, but really I was just going through the same thing over and over. Now I know the effects of how I delt with my experiences.

I woke up on Tuesday morning feeling like I just didn’t care. I didn’t even have the energy to get out of bed. I just laid in bed for about two hours, thinking. I finally got up and got ready for the day just in time for my 12:40 class. I went through my day as usual, then had a worship team practice that night on the other side of town. I had been driving my dad’s durango since he agreed to fix my car. I was really running low on gas, and this car is a beast, and it’s expensive to fill the tank. So I went to the cheapest one near my school, which is not exactly on the best side of town.

As I was walking out of the AmPm from buying gas, I noticed this guy blatantly staring at me from the corner of my eye. So when he started to say something, I didn’t acknowledge him and just kept walking back to my car. When I got there, my heart was pounding hard. I took the nozzle off the rack, and tried to put it into the tank, but it wouldn’t reach. Then the guy comes out of nowhere, gives me the up-and-down and asks for my number. So I made up a fake boyfriend.

You should know that I have lived a pretty sheltered life. But as soon as I moved for college, things have been different, and this has become a more common occurance. Only he was more insistent. Even after telling him about my “boyfriend”, he still asked for my number, and he became more menacing in tone. He then asked me why I looked nervous, and that’s when I told him that I don’t give out my name or number. Then he seemed to get it.

I just remember leaving the station feeling violated and upset. After my practice was over that night, I hung out with my guy friends for a bit, and then went back to my dorm. But even in the place where I feel I’m the safest, I was still upset and confused. I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling, I just knew whenever I kept feeling like I was going to cry, and I held it back.

Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling worse than the day before. I went through my day with the same outlook as the day before, but this time more closed off to people. I kept having flashbacks of the night before… feeling those eyes on me, hearing that menacing tone and thinking “what if?” …What if I had given him my number? What if my life was like this? Is that really all I’m worth? I became horribly depressed, and couldn’t for the life of me figure out why this one instance was affecting me so much.

After a lot of thought and prayer, and talking through it with my women’s group this week everyone in the group laid hands on me and prayed over me (and btw, if any of you are reading this, I probably couldn’t have gotten through this without you, thank you). Afterwards, I immediately felt better. It felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. They continued to give me hugs and encouraging words throughout the night.

After a lot of prayer and personal reflection, I came to the conclusion that I tend to see my value as a woman in the eyes of men. I find my worth when I see how guys view me. So when this happened, I began to question my value as a woman, and as a christian. I began to feel as if I had no purpose, just because some low-life saw me as just a peice of meat. The problem was that I saw my worth through the eyes of man, not through the eyes of God.

Galatians 1:10
10 For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

One thing that I will always remember is something that one of the girls whispered in my ear after the group prayed over me. “You are worth so much more than you think you are.” At that point I didn’t even know that what I was experiencing was a self-esteem issue, I believe whole-heartedly that God spoke through her last night. If we can only see our worth in God’s eyes, we never have to question it again. I am a woman of God, not a woman of man.

About Two Weeks Ago

Jesus: You’re starting to fall. Don’t forget, I’m here.

Me: Don’t worry, I won’t :)  <— Dillusional

A Few Days Later…

Jesus: You’re falling away from me. Come back. Let Me in.

Me: I’m having too much fun right now.  <— Distracted

A Few Days Later…

Jesus: You’ve had your fun. It’s time to come back. Let Me in.

Me: No, I’m not ready to come back yet. <—Stubborn and Prideful

A Few Days Later…

Jesus: You’re pretending, but you don’t have to. Just let Me in.

Me: But pastor says I have an anointing on my life. I must be fine. <—Pretense

A Few Days Later…

Jesus: Let Me in. You don’t have to do this anymore. Let. Me. In.

Me: I don’t want to. Not yet. I’m not ready. <— Fear and Self Pity

Today

Me: Father, I’ve been so selfish. I let my heart get hardened, and cold. I give my life back to you. I’m letting my guard down. No more barriers. Come back into my heart. I’m letting you in. I’m so sorry.

Jesus: Come my child. I’ve always been here, at the doorstep of your heart. I’ve just been waiting for you to open the door and let me in.

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.

-Revelation 3:20