Because of things I’ve been through in the past, I’ve developed this habit of hiding my emotions, for fear that they may be used against me. So much so, that I can hide them even from myself. Like many people, I have very deep emotions that often times are apparent to others but not to me.
I’ve always been the kind of person that would deny anything remotely having to do with spiritual attacks, because I don’t want to be the type that will blame the supernatural, and not take responsibility for my own actions. In a way, this (along with other things) caused me to suffer from low self-esteem. But now, I am part of a new church that is still taking off, and all of us have been through something. All of us have have been attacked in some way (including me), and it’s only been a month. This time however, was much worse. I was unknowlingly going through a sort of spiritual depression.
This kind of thing is something that not only I’ve had, but something that has most likely been passed down through the generations of women in my family. I know for a fact that my mom, my grandmother and great-grandmother, have all had to deal with Depression. I’ve been dealing with this longer than I thought. But I didn’t want to admit it. I’ve run into circumstances in the past that characterized this, but I thought they were only temporary, but really I was just going through the same thing over and over. Now I know the effects of how I delt with my experiences.
I woke up on Tuesday morning feeling like I just didn’t care. I didn’t even have the energy to get out of bed. I just laid in bed for about two hours, thinking. I finally got up and got ready for the day just in time for my 12:40 class. I went through my day as usual, then had a worship team practice that night on the other side of town. I had been driving my dad’s durango since he agreed to fix my car. I was really running low on gas, and this car is a beast, and it’s expensive to fill the tank. So I went to the cheapest one near my school, which is not exactly on the best side of town.
As I was walking out of the AmPm from buying gas, I noticed this guy blatantly staring at me from the corner of my eye. So when he started to say something, I didn’t acknowledge him and just kept walking back to my car. When I got there, my heart was pounding hard. I took the nozzle off the rack, and tried to put it into the tank, but it wouldn’t reach. Then the guy comes out of nowhere, gives me the up-and-down and asks for my number. So I made up a fake boyfriend.
You should know that I have lived a pretty sheltered life. But as soon as I moved for college, things have been different, and this has become a more common occurance. Only he was more insistent. Even after telling him about my “boyfriend”, he still asked for my number, and he became more menacing in tone. He then asked me why I looked nervous, and that’s when I told him that I don’t give out my name or number. Then he seemed to get it.
I just remember leaving the station feeling violated and upset. After my practice was over that night, I hung out with my guy friends for a bit, and then went back to my dorm. But even in the place where I feel I’m the safest, I was still upset and confused. I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling, I just knew whenever I kept feeling like I was going to cry, and I held it back.
Yesterday morning, I woke up feeling worse than the day before. I went through my day with the same outlook as the day before, but this time more closed off to people. I kept having flashbacks of the night before… feeling those eyes on me, hearing that menacing tone and thinking “what if?” …What if I had given him my number? What if my life was like this? Is that really all I’m worth? I became horribly depressed, and couldn’t for the life of me figure out why this one instance was affecting me so much.
After a lot of thought and prayer, and talking through it with my women’s group this week everyone in the group laid hands on me and prayed over me (and btw, if any of you are reading this, I probably couldn’t have gotten through this without you, thank you). Afterwards, I immediately felt better. It felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. They continued to give me hugs and encouraging words throughout the night.
After a lot of prayer and personal reflection, I came to the conclusion that I tend to see my value as a woman in the eyes of men. I find my worth when I see how guys view me. So when this happened, I began to question my value as a woman, and as a christian. I began to feel as if I had no purpose, just because some low-life saw me as just a peice of meat. The problem was that I saw my worth through the eyes of man, not through the eyes of God.
One thing that I will always remember is something that one of the girls whispered in my ear after the group prayed over me. “You are worth so much more than you think you are.” At that point I didn’t even know that what I was experiencing was a self-esteem issue, I believe whole-heartedly that God spoke through her last night. If we can only see our worth in God’s eyes, we never have to question it again. I am a woman of God, not a woman of man.